Hey, It’s jake

I’m in the final stretch, basically. Today is my last day of classes, and Monday starts my finals through Thursday afternoon. I can’t believe that my freshmen year of college if already over. College goes by so much faster than High School ever did.

And I will be writing a list soon for future college freshmen about things to expect, do, and bring with you to college! Yesss.

So yes, I may not get a chance to write until after Finals are over but I will try to update about my level/performance audition.

This shall be my first and only drunk entry. I promise!

So yeah, I’m drunk right now. My friends and I didn’t get to celebrate cinco de mayo yesterday, so we celebrated seis de mayo tonight. It was pretty fun.

As you may have figured, Vince is completely out of the picture. It was shame on him to lead me on the first time, but it was shame on me to let him do it again the 2nd time. But when I think “what if he did start liking me again” and I realize I would drop everything to be with him again. I don’t know why - I have weird feelings for him - they’re the feelings where I know I’ve been hurt by him before, twice actually, and yet I still want him more.

But then last night, Joyce and I started talking again and we made out outside my dorm. I wasn’t expecting it to happen but then something just clicked and I had to kiss him. Tonight, we met again after I was done drinking with everyone, and we laid out in this field and looked at the stars. It was really nice.

Yes, then we made out.

Things are confusing, because I’m leaving a week from this friday. I’m basically done with school. I have 3 days left of classes and then that’s it. I mentioned this to him tonight and he said not to worry about it, to figure things out over summer. Which could be smart - I mean at least we get these next couple days together. Even though nobody approves of it, but whatever. I don’t care what anyone thinks.

photo credit: eighty734

Shea’s finally emailed me back about my production internship with Wicked this summer. The production manager is holding interviews. The week of my finals. The problem is that I am not going to be in the area to even have that interview, and if I did somehow manage to get one on the 16th (the last day of my finals), I would have to rush from here to there to have it. Basically, I’m considering that this internship is lost hope - I would’ve loved to work with this show and it would’ve looked great on my resume, but I guess it’s just not going to work out.

 But I did manage to get an interview with Family Video at home. I actually applied Monday morning, and received a phone call about it that night with an interview set for the week I’m home. I’m excited - it’d be a fun job to have and I’d get a lot of hours. And how hard can working at Family Video be?

 Anyone remember me talking about Joyce? In a quick reminder, he and I were going to try and become something when we came back to school, but I became really busy and was afraid of what people would think (I’m not anymore). I also then got caught up with Vince. Anyway, Joyce texted me last night and told me he cannot wait around for me anymore, and just wants to be friends. Which if fine with me, I told him it was unfair for him because of how busy I’ve been, and I had thought he had moved on anyway. But it also made me a little upset. I liked having the feeling that someone still liked me. That sounds awful, because he and I weren’t even hanging out much, but I liked the idea of someone having an interest in me. But now that he doesn’t like me, and I’m pretty positive Vince is done with me also, I don’t have anyone. If I had only just done what I wanted to do, and not waited. I think this happens to me a lot - I pass up a lot of opportunities because I wait around too long. Some things need to change.

 Keep recommending books for this summer please!

photo credit: presta

So, I’ve decided I need to keep reading. The last couple of books I read were great. I’m really getting into the gay-fiction genre, but I love classics also. The type of books I like are those I can relate to - love, school, friends, growing up - the like.

SO. This is where you come in! I need recommendations from you! Read a good book lately? Let me know about it. If I choose your book, maybe I’ll turn this into a contest and you’ll win a prize, I don’t know (I’m sort of low on money). But still, you’ll get the pleasure of recommending one of your favorite books!

I only have 10 more days of classes to go. 10. Then one week of finals, and I am complete with my freshman year of college. I cannot believe how fast time has flown by. It seriously feels like yesterday when my mom and I were at Walmart buying plastic bins and random shit that I may need one day for my dorm. It feels like yesterday that we packed up my car and drove off, me following my parents car. It feels like yesterday that we unpacked me into my room and my parents left me.

You don’t realize how much you’ve grown up until you take a step like this. I’m actually really proud of myself. I have accomplished so much in these past 8 months. And I’m really looking forward to the next 3 months of being home. Even though I’m really not friend with any of my old friends, it’ll be nice to see them every once in a while.

In other news, things with Vince and I are really not good. We got in a fight Thursday night when I decided to approach him about not talking to me (see last post). I apologized Friday morning, and he said he was sorry too. I told him we should hang out this weekend and he said sure.

Of course that might as well be wishful thinking. We sort of hung out yesterday but with a bunch of people. He told me to come back over to his floor last night (after I went out to dinner with a bunch of people). I did, and he wasn’t there. So I texted him and he said he was in his room because he didn’t like one of the guys who was with everyone else, but that he would just come back to the lounge where we all were. 5 minutes later, he texted me and said that he wasn’t feeling good and was just going to bed.

The reason why I came to visit was because he asked me too. This is the 2nd time I feel like he’s pulled the “i don’t feel well” card. Why am I putting myself up to this? Everyone tells me that I am worth more, and yet all I want is Vince. It doesn’t make sense to me why people do the things we do for people we like. I’m hoping he and I will get to hang out today or tonight maybe, watch a movie, I don’t know. Anything. You would think that seeing we only have 3 more weeks left here that he wouldn’t want to waste any time.

I’m also still waiting upon my internship in Buffalo for Wicked. They told me to email in the beginning of April, so I did and some woman told me that she would find out when they would be emailing about internships. That was April 4th. I emailed again this morning, as I really need to figure out summer plans.

Vince hasn’t really talked to me all week. So last night as I was walking back to my room, I decided to text him with “so how come you don’t talk to me anymore?”

He responds with “you don’t talk to me anymore either. and you were a complete dick to me the other day”.

Um. WHAT?! He hasn’t even talked to me all week, how could I have been a dick to him if I never got to say one word to him.

Anyway, for the rest of the conversation, I was really blunt. In review, I said that I always felt like he was leading me on because he never tells me what he’s doing, or what he wants or anything. I never get to hang out with him because he’s always with his friends (even though they’re my friends too), and never really asks me to hang out with him and them.

The last message I sent, I said “I really just feel that I’m into this more than you are, and I really do like do. I just have no idea if you want this to go anywhere”.

He hasn’t said anything back.

I really don’t know. I’m trying not to let this get to me because it’s not like it will go anywhere with 3 weeks of school left. But you would think because there is only 3 weeks left, that he wouldn’t want to waste them if he liked me. Right?

I cannot wait for summer break.

Things with Vince have gone nowhere. The last time I wrote, I had stayed the night. Well that was really the last time we have hung out. I’ve seen him a little bit, and we tried to hang out Monday night, but nothing really happens.

I never really get that feeling that he wants me around, that he does like me. And I know I am in this deeper than he is. So before I get really hurt, I’m basically just cutting him off. Of course, if he starts to prove himself to me I will probably be stupid and give in. But I can’t let myself get hurt anymore. This is killing me and I’ve been upset these past couple days because of the lack of attention he gives me. I can’t let a guy have control on me like that.

I finally have gotten to breath a little bit. Even though our run ended Sunday afternoon, I’ve been in rehearsals for my next project, a Broadway Revue. The shows for it are on thursday and sunday, then starting on Monday are rehearsals for a Jason Robert Brown revue that I will hopefully be doing. Lot’s of stuff going on! But again, now that I’ve gotten a chance to rest up a little bit, I’ve decided I’m going to write about my experience with the new musical.

First of all, at our first meeting, the only thing we received was songs. They had not finished writing the script yet, so music was all we could work on. As we progressed with the music a little bit, we would receive revised versions of each song, as our director would record us and send it to the composer over in England (the director/book/lyrics and composer are both from England, but the director is here for a year). He would then revise it, send a new version, and we would have to relearn it. Once we got some music under our belt, we progressed to blocking that largest scene in the show: A hanging crowd scene. It was really hard to do, as we all had our own little stories that we had to maintain, while making sure that the focus was on the solo lines that would pop up. We were still blocking this scene last week, days before the show actually.

Once we got closer to the show, we also started having dialect sessions with our directors wife. Our director wanted to have almost all of us with English accents, so we practiced our lines in that order. We also had coaching lessons with the Music Director, who would help us with motivations, word emphasis and the like. It started to get a little stressful, as I’d have a call at 4, then at 4:50 somewhere else, then 5:20 again somewhere else.

Come show week, we finally moved into the theatre. Our director decided to have a contemporary feel to the show, and decided to use projections instead of painted drops. We had a large one in the back, then two smaller ones on each side. During the scenes, certain images and videos would be flashed onto those screens from behind. We had costume fittings with our designer, hair calls with the stylist, make-up calls, mic calls, set calls, note calls, etc. Everytime we arrived for show/rehearsal, we had to sign in, then go to our dressing rooms and relax.

The entire run of the show went very very well and the new musical was received fantastically. I’m really glad that I was a part of this process because it really pushed my limits as a performer. This is what professional actors have to go through, and I got to have a little taste.

Vince and I were texting all day yesterday, and he asked me to hang out after my rehearsal for the revue was over. I told him sure, because I did want to hang out with him and everything. My rehearsal got over around 9:30ish, so I headed over to his building and went to his room. He was on his bed watching baseball, so I sat down next to him and he put the blanket he was under over me too. The Real World was on at 10, so we watched that a little bit until we realized that there were no gay guys in it (haha). Vince’s roommate then got there, so we watched Family Guy until midnight. By then, Vince and I were laying together on his bed. It wasn’t awkward at all, like I thought it would be. We kept conversation going, and it wasn’t just small talk either. Around midnight, his roommate turned the tv and light off, and Vince said “well, I guess you’re staying the night. I’m forcing you too” jokingly.

So I did. I stayed the night. We didn’t do anything other than kiss and cuddle. But there are a couple bad things. I can really fall for him. I can feel it now - all I can do is think about him. And this is what happened with my last boyfriend. I fell too fast and got really really hurt. I don’t really know where things are going with me and Vince, as we haven’t talked about it.

But I have noticed something. I think the main reason why I cannot find a guy is because there’s always people who don’t like him and there’s people who don’t. And there’s always two sides that are telling me what to do. I can’t let people sway my thoughts anymore. If I like Vince and we end up together - who cares? If I’m happy, then my friends should be happy for me.

I haven’t talked to Joyce in a while though. He was the guy I wrote about that he and I were going to try and make things work when I got back to school. Well they didn’t, and I don’t think they will. He will probably be pissed off if he finds out about me and Vince, but I’ll just try to talk to him first. I haven’t seen Joyce in a long time because of rehearsals and whatnot and I just don’t really have time. And I’m sure if he found out about me and Vince, that he would pull the “I thought you didn’t have time” line or whatever. I just want to be friends with Joyce though. You can’t blame me for that.

photo credit: alessandro isnotaurelio

Anyone remember me talking about Vince, Vince, Vince, and Vince?

So basically, I haven’t talked to him a long time. It was mostly intentional, but also because of Opera I was really busy and didn’t see a bunch of my friends. After he led me on and never told me that he wasn’t into me, I decided to really ignore him, to not let myself get close to him again. I wasn’t really hurt when it didn’t work out with us, just disappointed really. I mean, it was the first guy I really let myself like since my first relationship here in college.

Fast forward to last night - the symphony here was performing a Bach Cantata and the Host Planets suite (which rocked). And Vince and a couple of my friends from that floor came to the concert too. Vince and them sat in front of me and my friends, and I was trying not to really talk to him. See, Vince always looks really good, so it’s really hard for me not too. I had to leave the concert early to go to my musical revue rehearsal, and around 10:59pm, I got a text from Vince asking me how come I’m never around anymore.

I responded “because of all my music stuff. why, do you miss me vince? jk lol” and he said “i do miss you, it was nice seeing you tonight”. And I’m just like… wtf? Why is he noticing me now? Anyway, he kind of keep talking, and around midnightish, he texts me “what would you say if i said that I liked you and I regret so much not going out with you when I had the chance”

Ugh. I will admit, I still have feelings for him. And I’ve realized something. The reason why I haven’t dated anyone in a while is partly because there’s always two sides to it - there’s the side of people that approve, and the side that don’t approve. And it’s always hard to do your own thing. Like with Vince, only a couple of people approved it. Now that people know how he led me on and stuff, they’re like “don’t date him, he’s weird, he led you on, he’s stupid, yadda yadda yadda”. But it’s like, if nobody approves who I like, will I ever be in a relationship? I should be able to make my own choices, right?

In conclusion, I don’t really know what to do about this. I’m scared to text him back with anything that has a hint that I still like him in it because I’m afraid it might too-good-to-be-true or a joke or something. I think for the most part, I just need to learn how to make my own decisions. If I let people influence the way I make choices, I may never get what I ever really want.